
The Universal Exchange 




TOE-DRAMATIC -PUBLISHING -COMPANY 



Practical Instructions for 
Private Theatricals 

ByW.D. EMERSON 
Autnor of "A Country Eomance," "The Unknown Eival/' 
"Humble Pie," etc. 



Price, 25 cents 



Here is a practical hand-took, describing in detail all the 
accessories, properties, scenes and apparatus necessary for an 
•amateur production. In addition to the descriptions in words, 
everything is clearly shown in the numerous pictures, more 
than one hundred being inserted in the book. No such useful 
book has ever been offered to the amateur players of any 
•country. 

CONTENTS 

Chapter I. Introductory Remarks. 

Chapter II. Stage, How to Make, etc. In drawing-rooms 
or parlors, with sliding or hinged doors. In a single large 
room. The Curtain; how to attach it, and raise it, etc. 

Chapter III. Arrangement of Scenery. How to hang it. 
Drapery, tormentors, wings, borders, drops. 

Chapter IV. Box Scenes. Center door pieces, plain wings, 
door wings, return pieces, etc. 

Chapter V. How to Light the Stage. Oil, gas and electric 
light. Footlights, Sidelights, Reflectors. How to darken the 
stage, etc. 

Chapter VI. Stage Effects. Wind, Rain, Thunder, Break- 
ing Glass, Falling Buildings, Snow, Water, Waves, Cascades, 
Passing Trains, Lightning, Chimes, Sound of Horses' Hoofs, 
Shots. 

Chapter VII. Scene Painting. 

Chapter VIII. A Word to the Property Man. 

Chapter IX. To the Stage Manager. 

Chapter X. The Business Manager. 

Address Orders to 
THE DRAMATIC PUBLISHING COMPANY 

CHICAGO, ILLINOIS 



The Universal Exchange 



AN ENTERTAINMENT 



By 

E. M. CLEAVER 



CHICAGO 

THE DRAMATIC PUBLISHING COMPANY 



CHARACTERS. /K- 



<> 

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\J 



Mrs. Eva Exchange, Large ; mannish costume. 

Miss Carrie Ossitee, Small ; street costume. 

Mr. Vie Vacious, Very small ; loud costume. 

Mr. Shiwife, Black clothes and tie ; very shabby. 

Mag, "Flower of Nature/' Little girl ; very shabby. 

Bro. Marriem, Clergyman ; sleek and fat. 

Bobby Babitrad, Boy's ordinary costume. 

Miss Bessie Ringe, Street costume*. 

Mrs. Tyred Mann, Shabby and slovenly. 

Miss P. R. T. St. Tickett, Loud ; chews gum ; street costume. 

Mrs. Mary Widdo, Stylish costume. 

Beatrice Beulah Becky Barbara Belinda Buckingham, Child ; nice- 
ly dressed ; white apron. 

Mr. Collaire, Starched shirt; necktie; black trousers, no coat, vest or 
collar. 

Mrs. Babitrad, Fat woman, with wrapper. 



BY 

THE DRAMATIC PUBLISHING COMPANY 



PROPERTIES. 

A pair of pumps. Two large collars. A hatchet. A picture with 
a broken frame. A sofa-cushion. Two taffy on sticks. A bird cage. 
A post card album. A mirror. A jig-saw puzzle, and "Hubby," etc. 

Six large signs : 

1 — The Universal Exchange. 

2 — Everything and Anything Exchanged 

FOR 

Anything and Everything Else. 
3 — Exchanges Made While You Wait. 
4 — Petty Premium of Paltry 23 Cents. 
5 — Owing to the Small Rate of Premium no Guarantee 

Will Be Given. 
6 — Pay Your Premium 

AND 

Pick Your Purchase. 



Plays about fifty minutes. 



<§TCI.f) 2 2910 T MP 9 2-0° 8 8 5 



THE UNIVERSAL EXCHANGE. 

Scene: A store, with a counter at back; a telephone 
on counter. Roiv of Jiooks at left side; at right, a low 
shelf, a bench, and stool back of counter. Mrs. Eva 
Exchange at rise of curtain is busily arranging the stock 
as Carrie Ossitee enters. 

Mrs. Eva Exchange. Why, Carrie Ossitee, you are a 
stranger. 

Carrie. I've had a time to find you, I have. 

Ev. Well, you've found me now, indeed you have. 
[Shakes hands.] 

Car. [Looking around.] What are you doing now? 
Do tell me, what are you doing now ? 

Ev. I'm in business. I'm going to start an exchange. 
I've done a lot of thinking lately, and I believe an Ex- 
change would pay; and as I had a lot of things around 
like that hatchet, jig-saw puzzle, princess dress, bird cage, 
etc., I thought I'd try it. 

Car. What a lovely idea ! 

Ev. In these days a woman must have a specialty, in- 
deed she must. There is plenty of room at the top, but 
that is the only place that there is any room at all. I've 
tried teaching, but children bother me so. And as for 
housekeeping, there's nothing in that. Then there's short- 
hand. I was learned that all right; and I could write 
fast, too ; but I seemed slow like at reading it. Nursing ? 
Well, nursing's all right, if sick people didn't want and 

3 



4 THE UNIVERSAL EXCHANGE 

expect so much waiting on, indeed they do. As for clerk- 
ing, shoppers ought to make up their minds before they 
come what they want and not decide and look around 
at everything after they get to the store. Of course, I 
tried running an apartment house, but what's the use of 
going into that. 

Car. But you can't run such a place alone. You'll 
need an assistant. 

Ev. Never you mind. I've got one. [Confidentially.'] 
The other day I saw this "ad" in the paper: "An in- 
telligent gentleman would like to go into partnership with 
a refined woman of business ability. Object, mutual pros- 
perity and possible matrimony." Well, now that looked 
good to me and I answered it. 

Car. Oh, I'm so glad I came! 

Ev. Letters have passed between us enough to make 
him set up and take notice if he don't want to go ahead 
with it. Darwin ! He'd better not try to back out. After 
all arrangements are made — 

Car. Oh my ! This is grand ! I'm so glad I came. 

Ev. And I don't see why it shouldn't be a good thing 
for both of us. He wants, he says, a gentle, affectionate 
woman; well, I am. 

Car. Goodness ! 

Ev. I want a paying business and a husband. He says 
he's vivacious, whatever that is. Well, if he puts in his 
money and does the rest of the things I want, he can 
be vivacious or not, just as he pleases. I don't want my 
way in everything. 

Car. Don't you really ? 

Ev. No, I don't, indeed I don't. There are two sides 
to a bargain. And I'll make no fuss if he isn't vivacious. 
He lays great stress on my being gentle and affectionate, 
says that's the kind he likes. Any woman can be gentle 



THE UNIVERSAL EXCHANGE 5 

and affectionate if there's anything in it for her, you know 
that ? 

Car. Oh, my, yes. 

Ev. He ought to be here now. He sent me these 
signs yesterday. [Goes to counter, takes up signs.] I 
guess I'll tack them up. There, that's all right. When 
he comes, you'll have to git. 

Car. I'd like to see him mighty well, if you don't 
mind. 

Ev. But I do mind, indeed I do. 

Car. I believe you're afraid he won't come; that's the 
reason you don't want me to stay, you're afraid he won't 
come. 

Ev. He'll come, all right, indeed he will. [Pause.] 
Maybe a witness would be a good thing. Look here, you 
go back of the counter and stay hid, do you hear? Stay 
hid. Mind, no buttin' in, unless I call, or out you go. 

Car. All right. [Goes behind counter.] 

Ev. [Reading sign.] This is a good one, "Pay your," 
etc. He made up these signs. 

Car. Did he really? 

Ev. Yes, indeed he did. Hello, here comes somebody, 
now you hide. 

[Carrie gets down. Enter Vie Vacious.] 

Ev. Here you are. Well, [Looking him over.] you're 
smaller than I expected. 

Vl. Umm ! You're larger. But I'm vivacious. Ev- 
erybody that knows me will tell you I'm vivacious. 

Ev. All right. Darwin! I can't expect everything. 
I'm sure I'm pleased to meet you. [Bows and shakes 
hands.] Well, you wanted a gentle and affectionate 
woman, and now you see one. And I'll tell you another 



6 THE UNIVERSAL EXCHANGE 

thing, too, Fm quiet. I'll bet there isn't a woman living 
more — 

Vi. Umm ! The quiet ones are dead. 

Ev. [Sharply.'] What, what did you say? 

Vi. Nothing, nothing at all. I'm pleased to meet you. 
[They sit down.'] 

Ev. Well, as I was saying, I'm fearful gentle, awful 
affectionate, and as all around quiet as you could get — 
by advertising, anyway. I tell you a man like you takes 
a risk when he advertises. He might get a — 

Vi. Umm ! A lemon ? 

Ev. No, an adventuress, or something like that. You're 
lucky to get in with me. You've some money, you said 
in your letters — how much ? 

Yi. Umm ! Well, about five hundred dollars. 

Ev. Is that ail ? 

Yi. Umm ! 

Ev. Is that all? You certainly put a strain on my 
gentle affectionate quietness, by "umming" and pawing 
the air. Have you got your life insured? Every man 
owes it to every gentle, affectionate and quiet woman to 
get his life insured over and above his burial expenses. 
What are you insured for? 

Yi. [Rising,] Thanking you for your courtesy, fair 
lady, I don't think we can arrange a bargain, so I'll go. 

Car. [lie?- head appears above counter.] I'm so glad 
I came. 

Ev. Go! [Screams.'] Go, well I guess you won't, in- 
deed you won't. Sit down, sit down. [Yi. sits down.] 
After putting a gentle, affectionate woman like me in this 
embarrassing position, you up and say you'll go. Well, 
you won't, indeed you won't. Don't you think I am a 
gentle, affectionate and quiet woman? 

Vi. You are, indeed you are. A gentler, more af- 



THE UNIVEKSAL EXCHANGE 7 

fectionatc and quieter woman, it has never been my lot 
to meet. But I don't think I am worthy of you. [Rises.] 

Ev. [Pulls him down.'] You're not, indeed you're not. 
But I don't expect it, indeed I don't. I'm gentle, dear 
knows; and I'm affectionate, as anybody can see; and so 
quiet, you can almost hear it; but I'm firm, Darwin! but 
I'm firm. 

Vi. Yes, fair lady, but I'm afraid I'm not, I don't 
believe we could be happy together, and I don't ever want 
to make any woman unhappy. And I know I'm not firm. 
[Rises.] 

Ev. [Pulls him down.] Don't let that ruffle you. I 
can be firm enough for two. 

Vi. Well, I'll go back to the hotel and think it over 
and let you know. [Rises.] 

Ev. [Pulls him down.] No, sir, no, you won't. 

Car. [Peeps over counter.] I'm so glad I came. 

Ev. If you leave this shop, I'll sue you for breach of 
promise. And I'll win, too, for I have a witness. 

Vi. A witness! [Looks around, but sees no one.] 

Car. [Sotto voce.] I'm so glad I came. 

Ev. Yes, indeed I have. And after all your letters ! 
You may think because I am so gentle, I can't get aroused ; 
you may count on my being so affectionate, that I'll be 
too forgiving; you may build on my being so quiet, that 
I'll not voice my wrongs. But you're wrong. Didn't you 
ever hear of the fury of a gentle, affectionate and quiet 
woman scorned? You'll get sued for breach of promise, 
indeed you will. So just cool down and we will go into 
business together as we had arranged through your let- 
ters. You put in $500 and your insurance in my name 
in case you cause me any extra trouble. You put in the 
money and I'll put in the brains, and we'll run this Ex- 
change business so that you'll have a little interest on 



8 THE UNIVERSAL EXCHANGE 

your money, a good home and me, a gentle, affectionate 
and quiet woman to live with; and I can have you and a 
few necessaries of life, such as an automobile- and ermine 
furs. Now, don't you see that that's better than a breach 
of promise suit and your paying me alimony ? 

Car. [Her arms appear above counter; whispers.'] I'm 
so glad I came. 

Vi. Alimony ? Umm ! How could I pay you alimony 
when we are not married? 

Ev. No, indeed we're not ; not yet, but soon. You can 
call it alimony, or costs, or reimbursement for leading me 
on and trifling with the affections of a gentle, affectionate 
and quiet woman. I don't care what you call it. But 
gentle, affectionate and quiet as I am, when I am scorned, 
I'm a fury. You may not believe it. 

Vi. I believe it. 

Ev. But I am. So you settle down and fulfill your 
agreement. Here it is. [Gets paper and ink.] You sign 
here, go on, sign. [Vi. signs.] Now, that is all right, 
Darwin ! I thought you were trying to back out — and 
after all you'd written, too. [Ev. signs.] Now, the next 
thing is to get married right away and get all these little 
affairs settled and then to the main business, The Universal 
Exchange. So I'll call up the minister and have him come 
over and marry us at once. [Goes to 'phone.] Hello, hello, 
is that you, Brother Marriem? I'm Mrs. Eva Exchange, 
and I want you to come over and marry me now. Hurry 
up, because I've just opened my exchange, and I haven't 
time to waste. What? Oh, you wouldn't call it waste 
time; but I do. Yes, yes, I have the license. 

Vi. Oh, I wish I were out of this. [Goes toward door.] 

Ev. Wait a moment. [To Vi.] Here, none of that. 
I've got your letters and your signature to that paper. 
[In phone.] Yes, we're waiting very impatiently. [Lis- 



THE UNIVERSAL EXCHANGE 9 

tens.'] What's that? Well, he's waiting impatiently. [To 
Vi.] You know you are very impatient. [In phone.'] In 
fifteen minutes, then all right, good-bye. [To Vi.~\ How 
do you think the signs look? I don't mind telling you I 
think they're pretty neat. I do believe you're smarter 
than you look, indeed I do. I hope so, anyway. Why, 
who's this? 

[Enter Mr. Shi wife and Mag.] 

Shi. Good morning, madam and gent, can you help 
me out of my dilemma ? 

Ev. What is your dilemma? 

Shi. Well, madam and gent, mine is a particular 
dilemma, a delicate dilemma, a most important dilemma. 
Madam and gent, you see before you one who needs help. 
[Gets handkerchief and weeps.] 

Mag. Don't cry, Pop, you look silly. 

Vi. What is the nature of your trouble? 

Shi. My trouble, madam and gent, is my dilemma. 

Ev. Look here, we've no time to waste. What do you 
want? 

Shi. Madam and gent, I want a wife ! 

Ev. and Vi. A wife ! 

Vi. I think I can help you out. 

Ev. You ! 

Vi. Yes, I know where you can get a gentle, affection- 
ate and quiet woman at greatly reduced rates. 

Ev. What! 

Shi. That, madam and gent, is what I want, a gentle 
and affectionate and quiet woman. Tell me where is such 
a jewel to be found. Such a combination of virtues, I 
did not know existed in this vale of tears. [Wipes eyes.] 
My little daughter wants another parent. 

Mag. No, I don't, Pop. One parent is enough for me. 



10 THE UNIVERSAL EXCHANGE 

Shi. You see, madam and gent, how undisciplined this 
flower of nature is. 

Mag. No, I'm not, Pop. 

Ev. Well, you are a little early. [Looks at shelf.] 
We're out of wives just now. Tomorrow we expect some 
in. You're a day ahead of time. 

Shi. That is not, madam and gent, my usual reputa- 
tion. 

Ev. No, I believe you, indeed I do. 

Vi. But, really, I think we ought to help this gentle- 
man out. I will put aside my own feelings, I will swallow 
my own disappointment, and come to his help. My broth- 
er's need is greater than mine. Umm ! The brotherhood 
of man ! Could I do more ? I will give him my best 
treasure, my estimable wife. Yes, I will give up the 
gentle, affectionate and quiet woman who has promised 
to be mine. All this I will do for my brother. Take her, 
and may you both be happy ! 

Ev. Well, I never, indeed I did not. Am I to have 
no voice in the matter? 

Shi. [Wipes eyes.] This is too much, too much ! 

Ev. I agree with you, indeed I do, entirely too much. 
And who are you, sir, [To Vi.] to say what I will do? I 
tell you, man, as I told you before, I am no flirt. I have 
promised to marry you, and marry you I will. 

Mag. You can't marry her, Pop, I won't let you. 

Vi. "Can't get away to marry you today, my child 
won't let me." 

Shi. My dear, you must be gentle in speech as well as 
in manner. Your dear ma was gentle — 

Mag. She was not, Pop, and you know it. 

Shi. My dear little flower of nature ! 

Mag. Cut it out, Pop, you make me tired. 

Ev. Well, we'll excuse you, we have pressing business 



THE UNIVERSAL EXCHANGE 11 

on hand. We're running an exchange. An exchange 
to exchange everything. See the signs. Tomorrow yon 
bring twenty-three cents and this flower of nature, or any 
other trifling thing you have on hand, [Mag sticks out her 
tongue at Ev.] and you can get a wife or a Morris chair, 
or anything you like. 

Mag. Come on, Pop, let's be going. Nothing doing 
here. 

Shi. Perhaps, little flower of nature, you are right. 
We will go. No, madam and gent, you cannot do busi- 
ness with us. Your aims are too low. 

Mag. And besides, Pop, we haven't got twenty-three 
cents. [Exit Shi. and Mag.] 
- Ev. Well, I must— 

[Enter Bro. Marriem.] 

Bro. Good morning, good morning, what have we 
here? A couple for Hymen's bonds? [Vi. looks fright- 
ened; Ev., coy.] And so you two young people — 

Vi. Umm ! Young ? 

Bro. Are anxious to get married. 

Vi. Umm ! Anxious ? 

Ev. Yes, he was very impatient, indeed he was. 

Bro. So you said over the phone. Well, the gentleman 
usually is the impatient one. 

Vi. Umm ! In this case — 

Ev. Yes, it's true in this case, too, indeed it is. 

Bro. Well, well, I suppose you are both of age, parents 
willing, not married to anybody else ? 

Ev. No, indeed we're not. 

Vi. Umm ! 

Bro. Yes, yes, that's all right. Now, another matter, 
I'm the father of a large family and the husband of a 
large wife, she weighs over two hundred pounds, and that 



12 THE UNIVEESAL EXCHANGE 

makes me cautious. Yes, that's the reason I'm cautious. 
I, who, otherwise, would be very generous and open-hearted. 
Yes, I admit I'm cautious. Well, in the little matter of 
the fee, now what would you say — what would you be 
willing to dor 

Ev. Well, we have a business here, The Universal Ex- 
change. A great and growing business. 

Vl. Umm ! 

Ev. Indeed it is, and you know in business rules must 
be observed. There is no use in having rules, unless rules 
are observed. 

Bro. I should hope not. 

Ev. No, indeed there is not. Why, who is this ? 

[Enter Bobby Babitrad, carrying a baby.] 

Bob. Hello, missus ; is this a trade place ? 

Ev. Yes, this is the Universal Exchange. 

[Ev. reads sign. All through the play, Ev. commences 
and Vi. finishes.] 

Bob. Yes, ma'am ; but can you trade things here ? 

Ev. Everything and anything exchanged — 

Vi. For anything and everything else. 

Bob. Yes, ma'am; thank you, ma'am; but can you 
trade things here? 

Ev. Yes ; but what have you in that shawl ? 

Bob. Our baby. 

All. Baby ! 

Bob. Yes, our baby. We don't need a baby at our 
house, and I heard our neighbors say my father couldn't 
afford to buy any more clothes and victuals; and as nobody 
wants it, I thought I'd trade it for somethin'. What have 
you got? 

Ev. [Tahing baby.] It's a fine baby; indeed it is. 
But what will your mother say ? 



THE UNIVERSAL EXCHANGE 13 

Bob. [Looking around.] She won't care; likely she'll 
never miss it, we have so many. Gee ! that hatchet is 
great, and sharp, too. I could chip a little off all the 
chairs and nobody 'd notice it. 

Ev. Just listen to that boy ! 

Bob. Golly! I'd like that hatchet; but [Glancing at 
baby] it does seem as if I ought to get something for Mom. 
You see, the baby's not exactly mine — 

Ev. No, indeed it is not. [Puts baby on counter.] 

Bob. Perhaps I'd better get somethin' for Mom. She'd 
get over her mad quicker. Mom's all right, but she don't 
get over her mad very quick. It's hard on the men, Dad 
and me, at our house. Golly ! catch on to that princess 
dress ! I wonder if it will fit Mom. D'ye think it will ? 

Ev. Yes, I do; indeed I do. Anybody can wear a 
princess dress — they don't have to fit. Is your Ma large? 

Bob B. Not so very, — she's larger than me and Dad, 
though. I guess she weighs about three hundred pounds. 
[Holds up dress.] What if it's too little? 

Ev. She can easily make it bigger; indeed she can. 
Here, take it ; and where's your money ? 

Bob B. [Empties pockets and counts out money.] All 
right. So long ! [Exit Bob B. with dress.] 

Vi. My dear Ev., what did you take the baby for? 
It will be more trouble than it is worth. 

Ev. Business is business and rules are rules; indeed 
they are. Don't you think so, Bro. Marriem ? 

Bro. Well, well, sister; a baby is different; a baby, 
you know — 

Car. I'm so glad I came. 

Ev. Well, this goes to prove how much better a business 
head a woman has than a man. That boy paid me twenty- 
three cents, didn't he ? 



14 THE UNIVERSAL EXCHANGE 

Bro. Yes, he did, sister. 

Ev. Well, how long do you think it will be before his 
mother comes after the baby ? 

Vi. Umm ! Not long. 

Ev. I should say not; no, indeed it won't. Well, before 
she gets her baby she'll pay me twenty-three cents; d'ye see? 

Vi. Umm ! Not so bad. 

Ev. Of course, if I wanted to be mean I could charge 
her more. She'd likely be willing to pay anything to get 
the baby. But I won't charge any more; rules is rules. 
But I must say it don't seem as if we was getting married 
very fast. Come on, Bro. Marriem. 

Bro. Well, as I was saying, — in the little matter of 
the fee ? 

Ev. Oh, here comes another customer. 

[Enter Bessie Ringe.] 

Bess. Say, is this an Exchange? 

Ev. Yes, it is ; indeed it is. 

Bess. Here, I have a ring. I want to exchange it, 

Ev. A ring ! What kind of a ring ? 

Bess. Well, a certain gentleman gave me this ring; 
and, well — well, you see — 

Ev. Oh, hurry up. I have gentlemen and troubles of 
my own. [To Vi.] By the way, did you get a ring? 

Yi. [Quickly.] No; I'll go out and get one. [Goes 
toward cloor.'\ 

Ev. [Going after him.'] No, you don't; no, indeed 
you don't. This one will come in handy. Let's see it; 
anything wrong with it ? 

Bess. No; the ring's all right. I'm mad at him, so I 
don't want his ring any more. [Looks at articles.] Oh, 
those pumps are lovely ! — what size are they ? 



THE UNIVERSAL EXCHANGE 15 

Ev. Well, it's a queer thing about those pumps; in- 
deed it is. 

Vi. Umm ! 

Ev. Yes ; they'll fit any foot ; indeed they will. 

Bess. Why, how can that be ? 

Ev. It's a new invention ; just try them. 

Bess. [Sitting down on bench.] Pardon me, and I'll 
try them on here. 

Ev. No ; indeed you won't ; not here. Take them home 
and — and see if — 

Bess. All right. 

Ev. Twenty-three cents, please. 

Bess. But perhaps they won't fit — 

Ev. All right; bring them back again, and for twenty- 
three cents we'll exchange them. Our motto is to please. 
[Holds out hand for money.] Here — ■ 

Bess. Pardon me, but I don't — [Hands money.] 

Ev. [Pushing her toward door.] That's all right. 
Good-by. [Exit Bess.] 

Bro. Well, now, sister, do you think that is strictly — 

Ev. Now, you look here ; I asked you in here to marry 
us, not to preach. You run your business to suit yourself, 
and we'll run ours. 

Car. I'm so glad I came. 

Bro. All right, all right, sister; let's proceed with the 
ceremony ; but in the little matter of fee, what do you 
say to — 

Ev. Twenty-three cents is all that it's worth. Of course 
[To Vi.] if you feel that you are getting too much for your 
money — 

Yi. Umm ! Not at all. 

Ev. You can pay extra. But if it comes out of the 
business, twenty-three cents is the amount. But who is 
this ? This is a busy day. 



16 THE UNIVERSAL EXCHANGE 

[Enter Mrs. Tyred Mann.] 

Mrs. Tyre. [Calling to someone outside-.] You wait 
outside. Say, what all can you exchange here ? 

Ev. Everything and Anything exchanged — 

Vi. For Anything and Everything else. 

Mrs. Tyre. What ? Anything and everything ? I'll bet 
I can bring something you won't exchange. 

Ev. Well, I'll tell you this. You can't bring a single, 
no, nor a married thing in here that I won't and can't 
exchange. What have you got ? 

Mrs. Tyre. I'm sure you'll be surprised when I tell you 
it's my husband. 

Car. I'm so glad I came ! 

Ev. I'm not surprised ; indeed I'm not. Lots of women 
want a change, and men, too, very likely. How old is he? 

Mrs. Tyre. Thirty-five. 

Ev. What's the matter with him ? What do you want 
to exchange him for? 

Mrs. Tyre. [Looking around.] I ought to get some- 
thing pretty nice for a husband. — I tell you, he's a number 
one fellow. 

Ev. What do you want to get rid of him for if he is 
such a superior article? 

Mrs. Tyre. Well, I want a change. I'm tired of him. 

Bro. Well, well; what are we coming to? 

Ev. Well, what do you want. A postcard album? 

Mrs. Tyre. [Yells.] A postcard album? For a hus- 
band? I should think there were lots of women would 
want a husband. 

Ev. Darwin ! Husbands are not so popular nowadays 
as they used to be. Girls are earning as much money as 
men in lots of cases; and then, too, they don't care for 
housekeeping. 



THE UNIVERSAL EXCHANGE 17 

Mrs. Tyre. Well, I won't have the postcard album, 
anyway. I don't keep postcards — I don't take much stock 
in fads. I think there are better ways of employing one's 
time. Have you any jig-saw puzzles ? 

Ev. Yes; there's one here with nine hundred and 
ninety-nine pieces ; and I think that would be a fair trade ; 
indeed I do. 

Mrs. Tyre. Yes ; so do I. I'll take it. 

Ev. [Hesitatingly.] I suppose I am losing a little by 
the transaction, but I've made up my mind, in starting a 
new business and endeavoring to get a trade, to throw away 
a little money in advertising and poor bargains, just to get 
a start, you see. So you can let it go at that. No, don't 
thank me ; it's all right. When will you bring him in ? 

Mrs. Tyre. He's outside now. [Goes to door and calls.] 
Hubby, come in; I want you. [Enter Man with hat 
pulled down over his eyes.] 

Ev. Oh, land ! He looks as if he were drunk ; indeed 
he does. 

Mrs. Tyre. He isn't ; are you, Hubby. [Hubby shakes 
head, sits on oench.] 

Ev. Twenty- three cents, please, and the jig-saw puzzle 
is yours. 

Mrs. Tyre. [Hunting in pocket.'] Oh, I have no 
money. Give me twenty-three cents, Hubby. [Hubby 
hands money.] 

Mrs. Tyre. [To Ev.] Here you are ! [Ev. takes 
money and gives puzzle.] 

Mrs. Tyre. [Waves to Hubby; Hubby waves back.] 
Good-bye, Hubby. [Exit Mrs. Tyre.] 

Ev. Come again; our aim is to please. [To Bro.] 
Come on; now, as I was saying, twenty-three cents is the 
amount. 



18 THE UNIVEKSAL EXCHANGE 

Bro. That is a much smaller sum than I am accus- 
tomed to receive. 

Vi. Umm ! 

Ev. Well, you agreed with me that rules are rules, 
didn't you? 

Bro. Yes ; — well ; but there are such things as excep- 
tions. 

Ev. Well, rules are rules, aren't they? 

Bro. Yes ; but, — oh, here comes another ! 

[Enter P. R. T. Tickett.] 

Tick. Excuse me, but do you make exchanges here? 

Ev. Yes ; indeed we do. What have you got ? 

Tick. I've something pretty big, — something you don't 
often see. 

Vi. Let's see it now. 

Tick. Excuse me; but not until I see what I can get 
for it. What have you ? 

Ev. [To Vi.] You show her what we have on hand. 

Vi. [Showing articles.] Here we have a picture, a vase, 
ring— 

Tick. No ; excuse me. 

Vi. No ? Well, here are puffs, a postcard album — 

Tick. Not for me ; — I don't think you have much. 

Ev. You're pretty hard to please; indeed you are. 

Tick. Excuse me ; but I've got something first-class to 
trade. 

Car. I'm so glad I came ! 

Vi. Here's a bird-cage, and a husband — 

Tick. A husband ! 

Ev. Now, I guess you won't say again we haven't a 
good stock on hand ; indeed you won't. 

Tick. [Looking at Hubby.] Is he crazy? 

Ev. He's not crazy ; indeed he is not. And as for you, 



THE UNIVEESAL EXCHANGE 19 

miss, I want you to know that this is a respectable place. 
Crazy ! — I guess not. He's an exchange, that's what he is ; 
though I'll admit he don't look like more than a free 
transfer. 

Tick. Excuse me; but do you mean that somebody 
exchanged him f Well, I've often thought I'd like a 
husband ! 

Ev. Well, he's a bargain ; indeed he is. 

Tick. All right. Here's what I have. 

[Puis down suitcase; all gather round. Carrie leans 
over the counter. Tick, opens suitcase, takes out 
bag; opens bag, takes out purse; opens purse, takes 
out envelope; opens envelope, takes out Strip 
Ticket.] 

All. A strip ticket ! — six for a quarter ! 

Car. I'm so glad I came ! 

Bro. This is a rare article, indeed. 

Ev. [Snatching it.] Yes, indeed it is. 
[Hubby walks over and looks at it, then walks back and 
sits down again.] 

Vi. My dear Ev., isn't the gentleman to have any voice 
in the matter? 

Ev. No, sir; no, indeed; he is not. This is my — our 
exchange, and not his. But, besides, I don't believe he 
cares; do you — do you? [Hubby shakes "No."] Indeed 
he does not. [To Tick.] Get you twenty-three cents and 
he is yours. 

Tick. [Paying.'] Well, he comes high, but I must 
have him. Come along. [Exit Tick, and Hubby.] 

Ev. Come again; our aim is to please. Well, now, 
Bro. Marriem, let's get it over. I'm glad I'm not super- 
stitious ; indeed, I am ; for I've always heard it was bad 
luck to postpone a wedding. Well, well, brother, we're 



20 THE UNIVERSAL EXCHANGE 

ready at last. Marry us, and the twenty-three cents is all 

yours; otherwise — 

Bro. Perhaps, under the circumstances — 

Ev. That's all right. Hurry up, Bro. Marriem ; I don't 

want to do you, — a short ceremony for a short sum. 

[All go out R.; mumbling is heard. Car. stands in sight, 
looking off R.] 

Ev. [Coming in.~\ Here's your money. Good-by. 

Bro. But, wait; I want to congratulate you; madam, 
you have a noble, vivacious husband. 

Ev. [Bowing.'] He's vivacious enough for me; in- 
deed he is. 

Bro. Sir, you have a gentle, affectionate and quiet wife ; 
I congratulate you, I envy you. 

Vi. Umm ! Thanks, thanks. 

Ev. Now to business ! Good-by. 

Bro. I shall do myself the extreme pleasure of calling 
on you again soon. 

Ev. No; don't bother. We can send for you when we 
want you again. Good-by ! 

[Exit Bro.] 

Car. I'm so glad I came ! 

Ev. Well, you're going, too ; are you ? 

Car. Oh, I can stay, if — 

Ev. No ; you're right ; you'd better go. And, look here ; 
don't bother to come in again unless you've something to 
exchange. You see I'm going to be too busy to answer 
questions. — Who's this? 

[As Car. goes out, enter Mr. Colliare.] 

Col. Say, do you keep collars ? 
Ev. Yes; we do; indeed we do, 



THE UNiVEKSAL EXCHANGE 21 

Col. Well, give me one, — size 14. 

Ev. No; young man, this is no store. What have you 
to exchange? 

Col. Oh, give me a collar, and I'll pay for it. I'm in 
an awful fix. My laundry didn't come home, and I've 
simply got to have a collar. Here's a quarter. [Grabs 
collar off shelf.] 

Ev. [Snatching collar.'] No, sir; indeed you don't. 
This is an Exchange, and rules are rules. If you want a 
collar — and I should judge by your manner that you did — 
you'll have to give me an exchange. Exchanges made — 

Vi. While you wait. 

Col. Well, what? 

Ev. That's for you to decide. How much is a collar 
worth to you? 

Col. It's worth a good bit if I get it pretty soon; but 
if I have to wait all night until you get ready to give it to 
me, it's worth nothing. 

Ev. Why don't you exchange your necktie ? 

Col. Woman, are you crazy? This is the only one 
I have. 

Ev. Well, I must say you don't talk like a millionaire. 
Go home and get something. [Ev. hangs up collar. Exit 
Col. in a hurry.] 

Ev. [Sitting doivn.] Here are all these signs, and 
they come in here and want to buy. Can't they read Pay 
your Premium — 

Vi. And Pick your Purchase. 

Col. [Enters with oar.] Here's an oar, the first thing 
I could find. I can't see what earthly use one oar will be 
to anybody; but give me the collar now, will you? 

Ev. You're forgetting the twenty-three cents. 

Col. Twenty-three cents, — what for? 

Ev. You see the sign, Petty Premium — 



22 THE UNIVERSAL EXCHANGE 

Vi. Of Paltry Twenty-three Cents. 

Col. Pretty dear collar, this. [Hands twenty-three 
cents.] Keep the change; now give me the collar. 

Ev. Sure, I will. Young man, my advice to you is to 
save the other oar; some time you may want to replace 
that necktie. One necktie won't last you a lifetime, — you 
would hardly expect it to. 

Col. I don't expect it to. I don't expect anything. 
I hardly expect to get that collar. 

Ev. [Hands collar.] Here it is. I don't know what 
you mean by not expecting to get it ; indeed I don't. 

Col. Oh, that's all right. Ta, ta, old lady; so long. 
[Exits.] 

Ev. [Calling.] Come again. Our aim is to please. 
"Old lady," indeed ! Why, here comes another. 

[Enter Mary Widdo.] 

Mary. I have a hat I want to exchange. It's pretty- 
big, I know — [Shows a large hat.] 

Ev. Oh, we have 'em come in here bigger than that; 
indeed we do. Twenty-three cents, please ! 

Mary. What for? 

[Ev. and Vi. read signs.] 

Mary. Oh, all right. [Hands money.] Just so I get 
something for it. 

Ev. Here's your change. What do you want? A post- 
card album ? 

Mary. No, I don't. I want something better than that. 

Ev. How would you like a bird-cage ? 

Mary. I have no bird. 

Ev. Well, what of that? I didn't say anything about 
a bird. I was talking about a cage. The way people 
come in here and tell me so much about their private 



THE UNIVERSAL EXCHANGE 23 

affairs, Darwin ! I'm not interested ; indeed I'm not. 
What do I care for the gratuitous information that you've 
no bird. If I had the time to listen to you, I suppose you 
would tell me that you had no elephant. I tell you, I'm a 
busy woman; indeed I am. If you don't w T ant the bird- 
cage, say so. Suppose you take this oar ? 

Mary. But I can't row, and it makes me sick to go on 
the water. 

Ev. There you go again ! Did I ask you about your 
health? Or have I time to listen to an account of your 
accomplishments? It is a fine oar; indeed it is. I'll ven- 
ture to say there are lots of people that have oars that 
can't row. You don't have to row with it, — your children 
can play with it. 

Mary. But I haven't any children. 

Ev. There you go again ! I'm no census-taker. I de- 
clare, I've no patience with you ; indeed I have not. As I 
was saying, you could use it as a towel-rack, or a Maypole, 
or something else useful and necessary. Read The Home 
■ Journal; perhaps it will tell you how to make a hammock 
out of an oar. But take it or leave it — pretty soon. You 
have been here a half -hour, talking, talking till I'm tired 
of listening. Here's your oar, — take it, and don't block 
up the door for that child; — let her in. [Pushes Mary 
out, enter Beatrice.] 

Ev. Hello, sissy ; what d'ye want ? 

Beat. I want some candy. Please give me that 
taffy-on-stick. 

Ev. This one here, — is that what you want ? 

Beat. Yes, ma'am; here's the penny. 

Ev. No; I can't take money, it's against the rules of 
this establishment. This is an exchange, The Universal 
Exchange, sissy. 



24 THE UNIVERSAL EXCHANGE 

Beat. Don't call me "sissy." My name's Beatrice 
Beulah Becky Barbara Belinda Buckingham. I don't like 
nicknames. I won't have my name shortened, and my 
mother won't have it, either. What is an Exchange ? 

Ev. It's a store where you trade. Have you anything 
to trade, sissy? 

Beat. [Stamping her foot.] Don't call me "sissy" ! — 
my name's Beatrice Beulah, etc. 

Ev. Well, Beatrice and all the rest, if you have some- 
thing to give in exchange for the taffy, you can have it. 

Beat. I haven't a thing. 

Ev. All right. That settles it; indeed it does. [Puts 
taffy away.] 

Beat. [Crying.] I want the candy, I do. Here's my 
apron, — will that do ? 

Vi. My dearest Ev., don't take that child's apron. 

Ev. [To Vi.] Now, you look here — Eules are rules. 
— If this child wants the taffy — And you do, don't you? 

Beat. I must have the taffy, — I want it. 

Ev. Well, then, you must pay for it. She don't want 
the apron, and she does want the taffy. Now, sissy, — 

Beat. My name 's Beatrice Beulah, etc., and I won't 
be called "sissy." [Stamps foot, takes off apron.] 

Ev. All right, all right. You are a sassy one; indeed 
you are. [Takes apron and hangs it up.] Where's your 
twenty-three cents? 

Beat. I haven't any twenty-three cents. 

Ev. Well, go home and get it, then. 

Beat. Give me my apron first, 

Ev. Certainly not. How do I know you'll come back? 

Beat. Well, give me the taffy, then. 

Ev. You must be crazy; indeed you must. Do you 
think I am running this exchange for pleasure? No, in- 



THE UNIVERSAL EXCHANGE 25 

deed I'm not. Go home and get your money and come 
back and I'll give you the taffy. 

Beat. I won't go home ; — give me the taffy ! 

Vi. Oh, give her the taffy. 

Ev. Yes, you, — you'd ruin the business; indeed you 
would. Here, you get out of here, sissy! [Pushes her 
toward door.] 

Beat. [Going out.] My name isn't "sissy," it's Beat- 
rice, etc. And I'll tell my mother on you, I will, and she'll 
settle you. [Exits.] 

Vi. Umm ! Really, I think— 

Ev. Well, I don't. I act, and it— 

[Enter Mrs. Babitrad and Bobby.] 

Mrs. B. Where's my baby? [Yells.] Give me my 
baby. What do I want with this old dress ? [Throws dress 
on floor. Ev. hangs it up.] 

Vi. Yes ; you shall have the baby ; it's all right. 

Ev. [To Mrs. B.] Now, you must cool down; indeed 
you must. What did you bring to exchange for the ba — 

Mrs. B. Exchange ! I'll have you run out of town. 
Exchange for my baby ! 

Ev. Not so loud; this is no day nursery, but The 
Universal Exchange. You can't have the baby unless you 
exchange something. 

Bob. [Crying, and holding on to his mother.] Oh, 
don't exchange me, Mom ; don't exchange me ! 

Vi. My dear Ev. — Umm ! Perhaps you — 

Ev. Eules are rules — 

Mrs. B. [Tearing off belt.] Here, then; give me my 
baby ! 

Ev. You wait a minute ; indeed you will. Petty Pre- 
mium of twenty-three cents. 



26 THE UNIVEESAL EXCHANGE 

[Mrs. B. throws quarter on floor, grabs baby off counter, 
runs out.~\ 

Bob. [Going out.] Oh, Mom, I'll never — 
Ev. Come again. Our aim is to please. I guess she 
don't want her change. We are doing a fine business; 
indeed we are. Now, by that last transaction we have 
made a princess dress, a belt, [Hangs up belt] and twice 
twenty-three cents. We certainly are doing well. 

[Enters Tickett with Hubby.] 

Tick. Excuse me, but this fellow is awful. No wed- 
ding bells for me. 

Ev. Twenty-three cents, please. Owing to the small — 

Vi. — rate of premium no guarantee will be given. 

Tick. [Paying.] Where's my strip ticket? 

Ev. That's our affair. What do you want to exchange 
for this? [Points to Hubby.] 

Tick. Oh, nothing. No more bargains for me. [Exits.'] 

Ev. Come again. Our aim is to please. I suppose all 
people in business have stock on hand that is hard to get 
rid of, and we can't expect — 

[Enter Mrs. Tyred Mann.] 

Mrs. Tyre. Is Hubby still here. [Hubby waves hand.'] 
Here you are, — that's good! Say, [To Ev.] I can't get 
this puzzle together — there must be some pieces gone. And, 
anyway, I'd rather have my husband. Will you come home, 
Hubby? 

[Hubby shakes "Yes."] 

Ev . Twenty-three cents, please. 

Mrs. Tyre. Oh, dear; I haven't a cent, and neither 
has Hubby, — have you ? 



THE UNIVERSAL EXCHANGE 27 

[Hubby shakes "No."] 

Mrs. Tybe. Take your old puzzle and give me my 
husband. Come on, Hubby. 

Ev. [Puts puzzle on shelf.] No, you don't. Pay your 
premium — 

Vi. — and pick your purchase. 

Mrs. Tyre. But I have no twenty-three cents. 

Ev. Well, then, you can't have him. 

Vi. Umm ! My dear Ev., in these early clays of our 
wedded bliss, don't let us part husband and wife. 

Ev. Now, don't you get so viyacious. Rules are rules. 

Mrs. Tyre. Oh, what shall I do ? What shall I do ? 

Ev. Do, — I know what you can do ; indeed I do. You 
can get out of here. You don't know what you want. 

Mrs. Tyre. Yes, I do. I want my husband. 

Ev. Well, give me twenty-three cents, then. You can't 
have him or any other exchange without twenty-three cents, 
so you'd better go. 

Mrs. Tyre. I won't go without him. I'll stay here. 

Vi. Madam, I'm very sorry for you. Perhaps you will 
allow me to — 

Ev. No, you don't; indeed you don't. Mrs. Mann 
understood all about the twenty-three cents. Why, she is 
an old customer of ours. She ought to have brought the 
money with her. 

[Enter Bessie Ringe.] 

Bess. [Throwing pumps on counter.] I can't wear 
these shoes. 

Ev. Well, what if you can't ? Can I help it ? Can my 
vivacious husband help it ? 

Bess. You sold them to me. 



28 THE TJNIVEKSAL EXCHANGE 

Ev. I did; indeed I did. Well, you bought them 
from me. 

Bess. I can't get them on, and I want my ring back. 
[Cries.] 

Vi. Don't cry, my dear lady, — 

Ev. Oh, let her cry; you can't expect everybody to be 
as vivacious as you — 

[Enter Colliare.] 

Col. Say, you old grafter, you gave me a No. 19 collar. 

Ev. [To Vi.] Will you stand here and hear him call 
me names ? 

Vi. Sir, I challenge you ! 

Col. [To Vi.] Oh, you go and sit down. When I 
fight, I'll tackle somebody near my own size, like your fair 
lady here. 

Bess. They treated me mean, too ! 

Mrs. Tyre. And me, too, and my Hubby ! 

Bess. They took my ring ! 

Col. [Looking at Bess.] Is that you, Bessie Einge ? — 
what are you doing here ? 

Bess. I suppose you'll never forgive me! [Cries.] 

Col. Oh, yes, I will. What's up? 

Bess. They have my ring ! 

Mrs. Tyre. And my husband ! 

Bess. Look, — she's got it on her finger now ! 

Col. Is that where it is? Say, you, [To Ev.] look 
here — 

Ev. Now, you young man, I'll tell you this, — if you 
don't want my husband to put you out — 

Col. He put me out ! 

Vi. Sir, you madden me ! 



THE UNIVEESAL EXCHANGE 2d 

Ev. [To Vi.] Now, you mustn't get excited; indeed, 
you mustn't. I'll put him out myself. 

Col. Now you're talking ! 

Ev. Yes, I will; indeed, I will. And now it's nearly 
time to close for the day, — and I am tired. Darwin ! 
But I am tired. Give me the collar and take the ring. 
[Takes ring off.] I guess I'll be married just as much 
without it. — Twenty-three cents, please. 

Col. You old grafter ! 

Vi. Sir, you're no gentleman. 

Col. Neither is your wife. [Gives twenty-three cents.] 

Vi. Sir, permit me to say, we don't desire your 
company. 

Col. All right. It's mutual. Come along, Bess. 

Mrs. Tyre. [Coming toward Col.] Oh, I do hope you 
will excuse me, but could you lend me twenty-three cents? 

Col. Are you in a fix, too ? 

Tyre. Yes, I am ; — do you see that fine-looking gentle- 
man over there? 

Col. Do you mean that on the bench ? 

Mrs. Tyre. Yes. Well, he's my better half. 

Col. He don't look it, [Bows.] 

Mrs. Tyre. Oh, thank you ; you are certainly charming ! 
Where do you live ? Are you an exchange ? [Hubby rises, 
comes over and makes gestures of displeasure.] All right, 
Hubby; I won't. 

Col. Not on your life; I am no exchange. [Laughs.] 

Bess. Well, I think not. 

Ev. No, indeed; he is not.' [To Col.] You see, this 
miserable woman wants her husband back after she has 
exchanged him for a jig-saw puzzle; but she hasn't the 
Petty Premium of — 

Vi. — Paltry Twenty-three Cents. 



30 THE UNIVERSAL EXCHANGE 

Ev. People come in here and try to work on my s}mi- 
pathies, and I just can't let my warm and generous heart 
have full sway. I'm too gentle, affectionate and quiet for 
this business. 

Vi. Umm ! Very true. 

Ev. So I just have to be hard, or pretend to be hard. 

Col. Oh, you put up a good bluff, all right. 

Mrs. Tyre. [To Col.] If you would be so kind as to — 

Col. Sure, I will. Here's another quarter, you old 
grafter. Now, go quick. [To Mrs. Tyre, and Hubby, 
who exit.] 

Vi. Sir, I will be compelled to throw you through 
the door. 

Col. My life isn't safe here, I can see that. Come 
on, Bess. 

Bess. But my pumps ? 

Col. Oh, give her your old pumps. They're too big 
for you, anyway. 

Bess. I won't give her the pumps for nothing. 

Ev. No, indeed you won't. Twenty-three cents is what 
you will give. Owing to the small — 

Vi. — rate of premium no guarantee will be given. 

Bess. But what do I get for them ? [Yi. shows articles,] 

Col. Where's my oar ? 

[Enter Mary Widdo.] 

Mary. I can't find anything in The Home Journal 
about making a hammock out of an oar. Give me my hat. 
[Grabs hat.] 

Col. Give me my oar. [Grabs oar; Col. and Bess 
run out.] 

Ev. [To Mary.] Twenty-three cents, please. 



THE UNIVERSAL EXCHANGE 31 

Mary. Twenty-three nothing ! [Runs out.] 

Vi. My dear Ev., shall I go after them and bring 

them back? 

Ev. [Wearily.] Oh, no; let them go. We did pretty 

well with them, anyway. Darwin ! but I'm tired. 

[Enter Beatrice.] 

Beat. My mother says if you don't give me back my 
apron she'll come over and pnt you both out of business ! 

Ev. Oh, put that child out,— she gets on my nerve! 
I haven't the strength to argue with her. 

Vi. Go home now, and come back tomorrow, sissy. 

Beat. You shan't call me "sissy,"— my name's Beat- 
rice Beulah, etc. 

Ev. Oh, put her out. 

Beat. I won't be put out ! My mother— [Vi. puts her 
out, gently.] 

Ev. Well, we'll make it pay ; indeed we will. 

Vi. Yes, my dear Ev., we will. Thanks to your busi- 
ness ability ! 

Ev. Your being vivacious helped, too ; indeed it did. 

Vi. Well, there did appear to be a little dissatisfaction, 
and — 

Ev. Oh, did you think so ? I didn't notice it ; indeed 
I did not. I thought everybody was delighted. You go 
now and get the things ready for breakfast — 

Vi. But I really— 

Ev. Oh, that's all right. You make a cup of coffee, 
and call me when it's ready. 

Vi. But I really don't— 

Ev. That's all right; go on! Darwin! but this has 
been a busy day. A good day's work, and everybody so 
pleased, too! Our aim is to please. Nobody seemed to 



32 THE UNIVERSAL EXCHANGE 

think Petty Premium of Paltry Twenty-three Cents was 
too much, either. 

Vi. [From outside.] Is a gentle, affectionate and quiet 
woman ready for her coffee ? 

Ev. Yes; I'm coming. Well, I'm glad everybody was 
satisfied. Our aim is to please. 

[Curtain, or exit.'] 



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